It's funny how you don't know to notice things until they are removed. For me the greatest noticing has been the lack of someone who really gets me...someone I don't have to explain myself to because understanding is just innate. Most of the time I do okay without it, but there are other days I feel like I am the most misunderstood creature on the planet, barely limping my way along.
I miss our talks. I miss walking into the room and seeing his smile beaming at me. I miss being able to tell him whatever is on my mind and having him not try to tell me how I should feel or that it is wrong...he would just listen and ask questions about why that helped me figure out what was really going on in me.
I now find the world to be a colder and far less merciful place than it used to be. I never realized how much I relied on his loving presence to think of existence as a warm and caring experience. And while I know it is possible to feel that again, sometimes I get caught in the fear that it somehow died with him.
I've been searching a lot. Searching for a new way to see the world as I did before. I know it can't be exactly the same, and I know that I can't rely on other people to make me feel okay even though that's my habit. I've looked around at spirituality, revisiting Christianity and finding Jesus to be a stronger example of perfected humanity than ever before. Buddhism has been interesting, spilling out simple truths and exercises of directed consciousness that assist me in finding center when I begin to spiral away from myself here and there. General mythology has given me glimpses into the repeated themes of being human and how we deal with life even though times have changed. I've learned some things about how to think about what's happening to me in the day to day and cope or deal with life's disappointments.
Today is just a hollow day, and hollow days are harder. I feel his gone-ness and I miss him. I know that this will pass. I know that happier days are ahead. But today....today is not it.