I have always had a hard time with looking back on my former self. The digital age has only made this more accessible in a tangible way, making it possible for me to revisit my random thoughts from days gone by. The problem is that I have too often felt that whatever I wrote back then is silly or, worse yet, stupid. But the thing I've realized is that apparently at the time it wasn't or I wouldn't have wasted all that time and effort to get it out of myself. Of course present Holly knows better than former Holly. She had better. And it's equally silly/stupid to look down my nose at a younger and less experienced version of myself.
After re-reading all of my posts I strangely don't feel that way now. One in particular struck me- "Getting out of my own way". I really remember when I wrote that post...mostly emotionally. I was at the tail end of my time living in Lawrence...the end of what was possibly and consciously the worst year of my life. Hours prior to that post I was in the depths of the height of loneliness and despair. I felt abandoned by everything and everyone and left to my own devices, hating my whole life in response.
I had faced infinite bouts of delusional confusion at the hands of love on more than one front. I experienced hopes so desperately that I squeezed the life right out of them. I discovered that my reasons for being on the path of life that I had chosen years ago no longer applied, but I was left with seemingly no alternative. Resentment boiled over. I felt completely trapped, helpless and abandoned. The world I had known betrayed me completely.
I also remember the powerful moment of realizing that I had any control or responsibility for it. Honestly, I think on some level I always recognized that, but used it as a weapon of self hatred rather than basis for positive and constructive self help. Back then, that part of me who I will now refer to as "future Holly", was a whip cracking masochistic perfectionist.
While I am aware that the possibility of actual time travel is a scientific improbability, I do think that some of us consciously experience and cope with it on a regular basis internally. We are all, every one of us, three things at all times- past, present and future. We are constantly what we've been a part of, what we aspire to be, and who we happen to be at the moment. From this vantage point it is simply a question of harmony v dissonance (yes...I decided on a musical metaphor) and knowing how to be tuned in.
At this point in my slow and steady time travel 'present Holly' was swallowed up by the war raging between 'past Holly' and 'future/potential Holly'. Future me was pissed about all the debacles of past me slowing everything I wanted down. I was so relentless about instantaneously becoming "super me" that my present self was in a sort of hibernation in an attempt to not relapse into old mistakes or patterns that would make me unhappy in the future. The result? Complete and utter dissonance from my lack of self alignment...basking in a murky pool of my own unhappiness.
Re-calibrating my reality was not a simple step-by-step process, easily envisioned and walked through. I'm in no way saying that I have mastered this feat every moment of every day (or even the random Tuesday). But I will say that one realization that has been revolutionary (that I have been unable to articulate until now) was giving the most power to the internal time-traveler that can do anything constructive- "Present Holly". She's the only one that exists at all times. She's the only one that can do anything about changing the course of my life...the solitary link where past and future meet. Without her, future me would cease to exist, leaving the residue of past me to erode as time marches on.
My latest take on life? Who I am right now is the only me that really matters. The past has happened- solid and unchangeable. But, my perspective on it at present can change if I take new found understanding into account. The future is undetermined and unpredictable. The only control I have is how I choose to react to right now. That is what shapes my future and it will come as it comes. There is no magic wand, blue pill, stylin' set of shoes or trans-dimensional rabbit hole that will lead to instantaneous change. That's up to me. Right here. Right now.
It's a hard path to start walking, but no one else can do it for me. The name of the game is acceptance, honesty and humility, which when boiled down to their basic principles are pretty much interchangeable...oh semantics. Don't even get me started on my theories about semantics :)
Being a sentient creature is the most fascinatingly beautiful torture ever created. Possessing a sentient mind...a tool of infinite magnitude, is a tremendous responsibility, especially when surrounded by a multitude of creatures subject to the same condition. At times it seems like a grand experiment destined for disastrous results. History shows us how it definitely has been. But it also shows us how it has been a tremendous success. The fact that the human race has survived is the only proof I need to see that we collectively have what it takes to make this whole thing work.
For now I merely play my part and do my best to play it well. That's really all I can do.